Facing Mortality: How to Overcome the Fear of Estate Planning

[00:00:00] Atty. James Jones: Welcome to Legacy Talk. I’m your host, James Jones. I’m an estate planning and probate attorney from Tacoma, Washington. I’ve been practicing for over 20 years, and my main practice areas include estate planning, probate, and estate administration. On Legacy Talk, we discuss topics surrounding families and estates.

[00:00:21] Estate planning is often a confusing and complicated topic. But my goal with this podcast is to make it understandable and accessible to those who need it. So if this is something that interests you, I’d appreciate it if you click the subscribe button and like this episode so that you can follow along as we break down the barriers to estate planning.

[00:00:40] I’m excited to get to today’s topic. Today’s topic is. Facing Mortality, How To Overcome The Fear Of Estate Planning, because sometimes our own mortality can be a significant barrier to planning our estates.

[00:00:54] So on today’s show, we’re talking about facing mortality, and how to overcome the fear [00:01:00] of estate planning.

[00:01:01] So let’s get to it. This is kind of an interesting topic today, I’m not a psychologist or a mental health counselor, I’m an attorney, I’m an estate planning attorney. Counselor is something that we do, we do counsel a lot, but I’m not a mental health counselor typically as you define that term. A lot of what we’re talking about has to do with reservations or fears that one might have regarding their own mortality.

[00:01:24] As an estate planning attorney, I see this regularly. It’s not uncommon for a client to come in and sort of cringe when they think of what’s going to happen when they’re gone, right? All the what if’s, the questions out there with what’s going to happen with the family sort of make you pull back and like, I don’t know that I can deal with this.

[00:01:43] Thanatophobia, Thanatophobia is the intense fear of death or the dying process. So it’s a thing, there’s a phobia regarding the fear of death, Thanato phobia for the third time. It’s a thing. Okay. And it can hold people back from numerous [00:02:00] things.

[00:02:00] But in this episode today, we’re talking about how this fear of dying or this fear of mortality can paralyze people from making important decisions in their lives and prevent them from putting something as important as an estate plan in place at all, right? Just because of that fear, that paralyzing fear of if I do this, something bad might happen to me.

[00:02:23] So today, we’re going to discuss about 10 ways to overcome the fear of estate planning.

[00:02:30] A couple of things before we get into our list today, I’m going to make a couple of caveats here. I make caveats quite a bit on this podcast because I’m a biased estate planning attorney, I’ve got my own views. I’ve got my own thoughts, and this comes from experience too. I’m going to tell you this, okay?

[00:02:44] Lawyers aren’t allowed to guarantee results, so I can’t really guarantee what I’m about to say is not going to happen to you, but it’s very unlikely. Okay.

[00:02:53] Signing your will or trust is not a death sentence. Okay, we’ll knock on wood, the desk here is wood based. [00:03:00] Believe it or not, I’ve never had a client die at the signing table. But as you could expect, based on my little bit of an intro a minute ago, I’ve had people act like they might.

[00:03:10] And so today, let’s get into our list of 10 or so ways to overcome the fear of estate planning and get that estate plan in place. That’s such an important thing.

[00:03:21] So number one is to educate yourself. Knowledge is power, right? Fear often stems from something that we don’t know. We’re very afraid as kids of that monster under our bed, right? But we’re not going to check if he’s really there, right? That monster in the corner in the closet, we’re not going to go look in there because he’s in there, but we would probably find that he’s not in there. Right?

[00:03:46] And so, education knowledge can help us overcome this fear, right? If we knew that the monster wasn’t under the bed, how would we act? We wouldn’t freak out and hide our head [00:04:00] under our covers and our pillow and call for our mom. We just go to sleep, right?

[00:04:04] Only to wake up in the morning, as if nothing happened, similar thing is true with the state planning, the more, you know, about the process, the types of documents there are, you know, the way that an attorney might intake your case, you know, that they’ve got in place for you, the types of documents that you would have wills, a trust, the power of attorney, healthcare directive, and what they do, and their function can demystify the process and help overcome the fear.

[00:04:33] So, education is important and I did an episode, it was episode 16. I checked off the fear of not knowing enough for the pre misconception that you don’t know enough to do your plan.

[00:04:44] So, the first place to start regarding education is maybe episode 16 of this podcast, because there’s a ton of different ways that I present to overcome this lack of knowledge. Okay.

[00:04:55] Number two, seek professional guidance. Now we can talk about different kinds of [00:05:00] professionals here, but I think the most important one is to talk to an estate planning attorney, right? An estate planning attorney, an experienced estate planning attorney will guide you through this process.

[00:05:10] It’s a step by step process where concerns are addressed, questions are answered, and a knowledgeable attorney can help you navigate these issues that might come up, right? These things are making it uneasy to make a decision. They’ve seen them before, right?

[00:05:24] I’ve practiced over 20 years, I’ve seen most things, right? We get new things every once in a while, but the vast majority of people that come in, I’ve seen that kind of problem before, right?

[00:05:35] And I’ve helped someone else with that problem before. So talk to a professional, let them help you do it. Sometimes you don’t know where to start and going to a professional estate planning attorney really can simplify and demystify that word again. We said it before demystifying the process of estate planning, getting something on paper that has a legal effect with [00:06:00] your life.

[00:06:00] Number three, understand the benefits of estate planning. Estate planning is not just about distributing assets during your lifetime or at your death, I should say, but it has to do with things during your lifetime. Okay?

[00:06:13] Protecting your assets, minimizing taxes, making sure your wishes are carried out when you pass away, but also when you’re alive. Right? It includes durable powers of attorney, a living trust can have, management language if you’re incapacitated.

[00:06:31] So there’s significant benefits that haven’t got anything to do with your mortality, with your estate plan. So knowing those benefits can help overcome that. Well, really what happens if I go to the hospital? I can’t make a decision. Your estate plan can handle that. Right? And so knowing that and understanding that can help drop that barrier. Okay.

[00:06:51] Number four, consider your family’s needs. Think about the impact that having an estate plan will have on your family and your loved ones. Estate [00:07:00] planning allows you to provide for your family members, protect minor children, special needs children, preserve family harmony, and understanding the effects that the estate plan has on your family and their happiness and well being may just be the catalyst you need, or someone needs, to get over the hump, right?

[00:07:20] To say I’m going to do it, I’m not going to let this fear control my life, at least this aspect of it anymore. That monster in the bed does not exist.

[00:07:29] Number five, and this is something we say for all things that you’re trying to accomplish, right? We have goals and we have hard goals and we have really hard goals.

[00:07:37] We have huge goals, right? Where do we start? We start at the beginning and we start small. Right? Estate planning can be overwhelming, you don’t have to know everything all at once when you walk into that lawyer’s office. Okay? When you walk into my office, you don’t have to know everything, we’re going to walk you through these steps, right?

[00:07:56] We’re going to let you know what you need to know, because you might not even know what you need to [00:08:00] know, right? You don’t have to know how to address these complex issues, your family dynamics. You can have ideas, but you don’t have to know them. Break down the process of estate planning into small steps.

[00:08:11] Maybe you start with a will, okay? Maybe you start, well, I’m going to do a durable power of attorney because I know that document helps me if I’m alive but incapacitated. Maybe you do a healthcare directive because you say, well, if I’m on life support, I don’t want to be kept alive if there’s no chance I’m coming back. Why would I put my family through that? Or I just want to go, I’m done with this.

[00:08:30] Maybe you do a durable power of attorney, you do a healthcare directive. Maybe if you’re brave you get the will done. Right? That’s simple, straightforward in most cases. So start small, start small at the beginning. Okay?

[00:08:44] Number six. Communicate with your loved ones. Discussing your estate planning with your family can alleviate a lot of these concerns and fears that might Be preventing you from doing it right and let them know that you’re thinking of them and trying to get everybody on the [00:09:00] same page sometimes when people worry about their estate planner they don’t know what’s going to happen where they’re gone.

[00:09:05] I think the kids are all going to fight and hate each other, that’s going to happen a lot more likely if you don’t have an estate plan in place than if you do, but having the kids and the family sort of on the same page and understanding kind of where you’re coming from, what are your wishes are? That’s a huge thing for making sure that your estate plan is in place properly and that you’re not worried about the negative parts of it, right?

[00:09:29] Having everybody on the same page prevents misunderstandings and conflicts down the road. It provides an opportunity for you to express your wishes and what your values are, right?

[00:09:41] Hopefully you’ve been doing this your whole life to your kids, but if you haven’t, now’s the time, right? But if you can let them know what your intentions, your wishes, those kinds of things are, what you want your legacy to be, we talk about that here on Legacy Talk. Legacy is important. So that’s number six.[00:10:00]

[00:10:00] Number seven, focus on the positive. Instead of viewing estate planning as a morbid or daunting task, try to focus on the things that are positive, the positive outcomes it can bring. Estate planning allows you to take control of your future, protect your assets like we’ve talked about, provide for your loved ones, reframing your mindset basically to say, if I do my estate plan, these good things will happen, rather than, if I do this estate plan, I’m going to drop dead.

[00:10:27] That’s not positive, typically, most people don’t want to drop dead, but it allows you basically to do your estate plan with confidence. Right? These good things are going to happen because I put my plan in place. My kids are going to be taken care of, my assets are going to be protected. This person is going to be in charge and not that one, that’s a positive thing. Right?

[00:10:46] These people are going to make sure that my kids are okay, they’re going to be the guardian, they’re going to manage their money, right? My special needs child will be taken care of and not lose his benefits. Those are all positive things, so look at the positive rather than the negative.

[00:10:59] Number eight, [00:11:00] seek support. This is very important, okay? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, if you’re anxious about your estate plan or anything else, you know, I’ll tell you this, I guess, if this is something that’s a big issue for you, or if you know someone that has significant issues with this fear of mortality, you know, that’s really restricting them and they’re not talking to someone, they really should be talking to somebody. Counseling can be significant, have a significant effect on someone.

[00:11:25] So, don’t hesitate to seek support on these kinds of issues, maybe you start with your family, maybe start with talking to your friends, but a professional counselor can also be a significant impact maker on your life. Talking about these fears and concerns can help alleviate anxiety and provides clarity as to the steps in the process, the steps you need to take to overcome. It’s all about baby steps, right?

[00:11:49] We only can go as fast as we can go, we can’t go faster and we’re not expected to, right? We all want to progress and we all want to become better people, we want to improve [00:12:00] by the day. That doesn’t mean we’re going to go a mile that day. Some days we’re only going to go an inch, but is that still an improvement? Yes, maybe we can only go a foot today but tomorrow I’m thinking I can get two that’s still progress. Right?

[00:12:14] I really thought I could do a mile today but I can only get half a mile. Okay? And I’m talking generally, right? We’re not talking about running units of measure, I guess.

[00:12:24] So, I’m not sure where that came from, but that’s what I’m talking about. I’m getting one step and the step turns into feet and miles and okay.

[00:12:31] Number nine, reframe your thinking. This has to do with seeing the positive, but it’s a little bit different. Try to reframe the estate planning process as a task associated with death to an act of love and responsibility for your loved ones and family and for their well being. The shift in perspective can help you transform it into a positive endeavor. So it’s looking at the positive, but we have to reframe, right?

[00:12:57] We talked a little bit about that in the positive way, [00:13:00] reframe your mindset. Estate planning has a positive impact on my family, estate planning will do good things for me. I see estate planning as something that empowers me. Right? It empowers me to put my wishes in place, these are legally binding documents that put your wishes in place.

[00:13:17] What’s better than that? You know, when you’re gone, these things still talk and they’re followed by the court and by the law. And so, if somebody is not running these documents, like you want them to, they’re going to get in trouble, potentially, they’re going to run these documents like you told them to, okay? Or they will be enforced by a court.

[00:13:36] So what you say goes in these estate planning documents that should empower you, that should help you think of this as an empowering, positive thing in your life.

[00:13:43] Number 10, set deadlines. If this is something that’s like over, right? Like I can’t get this done, I’m just going to push it, I’m procrastinating. I’m going to keep pushing this, I’m going to push this off. I can’t deal with it. Right?

[00:13:56] Set a deadline. Okay? Set a deadline [00:14:00] say, I’m by, you know, the end of the month, I’m going to have an appointment scheduled. And so, maybe that appointment is a few weeks out, I’m going to go to this appointment, I’m going to think about my questions, I’m going to have my questions ready for that lawyer and I’m going to hire him. Okay? If I like him or her.

[00:14:14] If you don’t like them, do not hire them. If you don’t think they’re good, don’t hire them please. Go to an estate planning attorney that does that for, as a primary practice area, please.

[00:14:25] Anyway, set some deadlines, okay? Give yourself realistic deadlines for each step in the process. They’re gonna help you move forward steadily, maybe that inch, right? Or a foot a day, inch by inch. So that’s 10.

[00:14:36] And number 11. This is a bonus, number 11. When you’re done with it, what are you going to do? Reward yourself. If this is something that’s overwhelming to you, when you finish something difficult, what do you do? Right.? When you finish a very difficult task, when you’re finished with a big project, think about this, right?

[00:14:54] When a kid graduates from high school, what do you do? You have a party, [00:15:00] right? When you graduate from college, what happens? You probably have an open house, a party, right? Someone comes in, you get married, you have a big party, right? When a kid’s born, you have a party, before the kid’s born, you have a party. You celebrate, you reward yourself, you did it.

[00:15:14] So go out, do a nice dinner, I don’t know, go on a trip, a little long weekend, I don’t know. Go on a shopping spree, buy that favorite thing that you were always wanting. I did my estate plan, so I’m going to get that watch. I’m going to get that purse or whatever you’d like to collect, I don’t know. You know what I mean? Reward yourself, treat yourself, as they say, it’ll make you feel better. Right?

[00:15:36] I’m part of an accountability group every week, and we talk about, okay, these are my wins. So we celebrate our wins, and then we talk about what we’re going to focus on next week. And then we talk about if we don’t get this thing done, I’m going to have a consequence.

[00:15:49] So, you know, mine usually is riding a Peloton bike with a house music ride, I’m not a huge house music guy. I’d rather have classic rock or [00:16:00] or something like that. I don’t want house music in my Peloton ride. That’s usually my, if I fail, you know, punishment, but my reward is often like I’m going to put some money away or I’m going to buy something I really like. Right? Because I accomplished this goal. So reward yourself. Okay?

[00:16:16] So that’s 11 points that will help you to overcome state planning.

[00:16:21] So, now we’re getting into the story time of our episode and this just happened this week. So it’s time appropriate that we’re talking about this today, because I just had a client come in this week to sign their documents. Okay? Just a couple of days ago.

[00:16:35] And I met with this client about a year ago. And we talked about his estate plan, we talked about his structure, the distribution scheme. He liked the idea of a revocable trust, so he said, let’s do a revocable trust. I said, that’s a great idea. He has a special needs daughter and a son. Okay?

[00:16:52] He wanted to put his daughter’s assets away so that they would be protected. I suggested let’s do a special needs trust, we’ve talked about those on [00:17:00] this episode. I think it’s coming up, it’s already been published by the time you hear this one, but special needs trust for the daughter. Okay?

[00:17:06] And the son would manage it, that’s what we initially talked about, but once he got home, he started second guessing himself and I didn’t know this about him, but he really has a significant fear of mortality. And this really is something that scares him. Okay? It’s difficult for him, okay?

[00:17:22] So he started second guessing himself, and he couldn’t make a decision with regard to how these things would be managed, who would be in charge? Maybe my son wouldn’t be the best choice for being trustee of my daughter’s special needs trust, right?

[00:17:34] And so, that’s what he told us at least, it later came out over time that he really had this significant fear and was worried. And I really didn’t know that until I talked to him this week about his fear of getting over this fear of mortality. And he was afraid of confronting it and what might happen if he puts this in place, what’s going to happen to him? It paralyzed him.

[00:17:55] So, it was like a year from when I initially met with him to sort of plan this [00:18:00] all out and we talked to him over the several months. We finally got everything signed this week. And to his surprise, he did not instantly kill over, believe it or not, he survived the signing. There was no spontaneous combustion and I was happy about this as well as he was. So we walked out smiling, right?

[00:18:17] We saved another fatality today, sound legacy law, no fatalities, I think we should put that on the wall. So the bottom line is, that it can be difficult to overcome this fear of mortality and in turn estate planning, but with the proper education and resources and professional and familial guidance, it’s something that can be done easily, instant death, not included.

[00:18:38] So, that’s it for today’s episode. I think we got it. Thanks for listening to today’s episode of legacy talk.

[00:18:44] If you liked today’s episode and you would like to learn more, please like and subscribe for more great content. I’ve been your host, James Jones, your legacy.Title: Facing Mortality: How to Overcome the Fear of Estate Planning